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Talk:The Forgotten Event./@comment-30144972-20171217120343
Analysis: Grammar: -/10 * Doesn't apply, since his first language is not English. Originality: 10/10 * Barely any cliches, interesting exposition, interesting choice of ending. Overall, I was really pleased with the idea of such a concept like this. Kudos. Plot: 5/10 * Act 1 (Exposition) abruptly cuts to Act 2 (the story arc itself, where the narrator is playing ROBLOX). In other words, the transition to Act 1 and Act 2 is very choppy. ** Make Act 1, the exposition, somehow link to the beginning of Act 2. There can be sentences where it slowly sets up why he's talking to you about the "forgotten event" before you read more of the story. An example of such sentence would be "This event, however, didn't really occur to me until today." ** Though not recommended, you could make Act 1 inside of Act 2, where the narrator meets the administrator. * What game was the narrator playing? Why didn't the narrator specify? ** Even with the qualities explained in the story, I still don't understand which exact game the narrator was playing. I can understand the gist of the game, sure, but I believe it'd be better if you set up the setting in a popular game. Several examples of popular games (horror games to still keep the theme of the story) would be The Stalker, Before the Dawn, Darkness I or II, etc. where the administrator/moderator could be playing as the monster. I suggest Before the Dawn, as the mechanics in the game is similar to the game mechanics you're describing. * What was the admin/mod's username? It mentions a "username" briefly near the end of the story, but we never knew which admin or mod it was. ** It's important to not just make the narrator forget the username, especially in this story where the admin/mod has a lot of importance. * When the admin spoke to the player, how did he speak? By the chat or by an external voice? * When you mention that the admin/mod had the same outfit as the admins/mods had during the event, you never mentioned about it in the exposition, nor have described the outfit in the first place. * Storage room ex machina. Ex machina means that a prop, place, or thing came up from nowhere without having set up said thing before in the story. The sentence "Did I forgot that I added a storage room near the car?" confuses the reader. ** You can fix this by establishing you made a storage room before, when you are explaining the mechanics of your game. * The large lag spike seems a contrived plot device. A plot device being contrived means there was an event there solely for the purpose of moving the plot forward. There was no reason why the lag spike was there, nor there was setup towards said event. It just... happened. * The story never explained why the narrator just went to the ROBLOX subreddit after the crash happened. Why go to the ROBLOX subreddit instead of joining another ROBLOX game or trying to rejoin the game? It's important to establish a reason why. * Why did the narrator get one million robux when the narrator never even touched the admin/mod? :0 Empathy: 2/10 * There was barely any emotion towards the narrator. Sure, it explained the narrator's thoughts every so often, but it never actually delved into what the narrator was feeling during these events, why he made certain decisions. The only shred of emotion in the story was the phrases "I was excited at first" and "I was getting a bit scared". It started off strong, but it just limped towards the ending. * In general, work on: ** The reasoning behind the narrator's decisions (What was his decision process when making the house? Why did the narrator leave the locker and outside of the house? Why did the narrator go to the subreddit?) ** Emphasizing the reactions of the narrator (How does the narrator react when he/she met the admin? How does the narrator feel when he pieces up together that the admin comes from the Forgotten Event? How does the narrator react when the lagspike occured?) ** The narrator's knowledge and passion of the Forgotten Event. (You can set up the narrator to have nostalgia over the event, or have the narrator talk about how he felt when the event first came along in 2008.) Thrill: 5/10 * While the story itself was interesting, the lack of empathy and understanding of the story was a struggle to keep up with. I was really pleased with the exposition, but I expected better during the middle section of the story (Act 2). Setting up a good rising action and climax is really important. FINAL SCORE: 5.5/10